Battle is not a pleasant thing. There is glory in the struggle, it is true, if you are struggling for something worthwhile, but overall, war is filled with moments of fear, discouragement, doubt, and sheer tiredness.
I forget that my life as it is now is that of someone at war. War is being waged against us in many ways, in many places, and through many avenues. This is not simply a paranoic conclusion. It is simply a reality.
I know the outcome. I know what I am struggling for.
Until it comes and I can beat my sword into a plowshare, (and I believe the promise that one day I shall,) I should not be surprised or discouraged that there is tension in life. That there are bad things and good things.
Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note through a beautiful, beautiful chord.
-Sixpence None the Richer
All that matters is that in my soul and with my God, there is peace.
7.11.2009
7.07.2009
6.30.2009
Found: In journal
"The only way to live an undefeated life is to live looking to God. Ask God to keep the eyes of your spirit open to the risen Christ and it will be impossible for drudgery to discourage you."
-Oswald Chambers
-Oswald Chambers
6.23.2009
engtanglements
Interrupt my downward spirals
And make what is destroyed merely a frame
For a new thing.
For I have seen,
When everyone else only half-listens
And is fake
Light bleeds in under the dark door and whispers
That life is no mistake
It is mysterious,
And there are things that will always be
Behind veils too thick to fully see through
The very thing by which anything is (but dimly) seen
Is unsearchable, and just like You
Needed and instant and everywhere
I don't understand
But I want to
And make what is destroyed merely a frame
For a new thing.
For I have seen,
When everyone else only half-listens
And is fake
Light bleeds in under the dark door and whispers
That life is no mistake
It is mysterious,
And there are things that will always be
Behind veils too thick to fully see through
The very thing by which anything is (but dimly) seen
Is unsearchable, and just like You
Needed and instant and everywhere
I don't understand
But I want to
6.19.2009
A Brief Glossary of My Week.
Bubble Bath + Whidbey Island + Incredibly huge and luxurious bed + Puget Sound Waves + Good Friends = AWESOME.
Other than that, just, LIFE DECISIONS.
In case anybody wanted to know.
Other than that, just, LIFE DECISIONS.
In case anybody wanted to know.
6.10.2009
soul/husband searching
I make pizza for a living right now. That's not all I do, of course; I provide excellent guest service (all too often a little bit begrudgingly) and I clean things. I clean as much as I can as fast as I can and try not to resent when doing my job gets in the way of cleaning the things I use to do my job. Such is the paradox of being a closer.
Sometimes I also make sandwiches, burritos, or crepes, or slice meat, or dish things that other people made into plastic containers.
I get things, too. And I also change my gloves, very frequently. I wear a hat and a chef's coat, sometimes white, sometimes black, and I wear a name badge and I try to always have a sharpie in the pen pocket on my arm, so that I can write down pizza toppings on pizza boxes when I take orders.
It is an interesting phase of life, this. Not what I pictured myself doing as I rounded the bend into my 22nd year.
"You go to church?"
This question comes to me from my friend, the Ethiopian maintenance man.
"Yes, I do."
"Good."
I smile.
"You have boyfriend?"
"No."
"Ever?"
"Yes."
"Aha! God loves you!...You find somebody at church?"
"No. Someday, I hope. What about you?"
"I am going back to Ethiopia. When I go, I will find somebody."
I smile again. "Good luck!"
I don't know if I will find somebody. Here, at nearly 22, I've come to realize, I must start planning my life now without that extra person to make room for. That's difficult, because for some reason, I thought I'd just have to go along with them.
And I know that I am young. I know that there will be all kinds of places for me to meet somebody, all kinds of opportunities to fit each other into our respective lives; I'm not saying I've given up hope, not at all. It's just that I had never really, until this year, faced the prospect of growing up without somebody there I could still refuse to grow up with.
If nothing else, I felt I wanted to note the passing of an idea and dream- being a grown up is not when everything gets easy. Being a grown up is when it is very hard, but you go on and find joy anyway, okay by yourself, with your friends, or with a husband or wife who can be that little kid who refuses to be old with you, yes- but also can be a grown up with you, because you need to be one.
At least, that's a little bit of it.
I will find out more of it as I go.
Sometimes I also make sandwiches, burritos, or crepes, or slice meat, or dish things that other people made into plastic containers.
I get things, too. And I also change my gloves, very frequently. I wear a hat and a chef's coat, sometimes white, sometimes black, and I wear a name badge and I try to always have a sharpie in the pen pocket on my arm, so that I can write down pizza toppings on pizza boxes when I take orders.
It is an interesting phase of life, this. Not what I pictured myself doing as I rounded the bend into my 22nd year.
"You go to church?"
This question comes to me from my friend, the Ethiopian maintenance man.
"Yes, I do."
"Good."
I smile.
"You have boyfriend?"
"No."
"Ever?"
"Yes."
"Aha! God loves you!...You find somebody at church?"
"No. Someday, I hope. What about you?"
"I am going back to Ethiopia. When I go, I will find somebody."
I smile again. "Good luck!"
I don't know if I will find somebody. Here, at nearly 22, I've come to realize, I must start planning my life now without that extra person to make room for. That's difficult, because for some reason, I thought I'd just have to go along with them.
And I know that I am young. I know that there will be all kinds of places for me to meet somebody, all kinds of opportunities to fit each other into our respective lives; I'm not saying I've given up hope, not at all. It's just that I had never really, until this year, faced the prospect of growing up without somebody there I could still refuse to grow up with.
If nothing else, I felt I wanted to note the passing of an idea and dream- being a grown up is not when everything gets easy. Being a grown up is when it is very hard, but you go on and find joy anyway, okay by yourself, with your friends, or with a husband or wife who can be that little kid who refuses to be old with you, yes- but also can be a grown up with you, because you need to be one.
At least, that's a little bit of it.
I will find out more of it as I go.
4.24.2009
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